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“The beginnings and ends of shadow lie between the light and darkness and may be infinitely diminished and infinitely increased. Shadow is the means by which bodies display their form. The forms of bodies could not be understood in detail but for shadow.” - Leonardo da Vinci


What Lies Beneath

A flimsy kayak on a river of lies. The argument in the story is a true singular argument that occurred in 2010, but it was actually a relatively benign one in comparison. I opted for that story in particular because it emphasized both of our prime insecurities -- me, wrestling in a fray of truth and lies, being accused of lying even when I wasn't despite living one after the next -- her, feeling threatened by a meaningful connection that she herself couldn't seem to form with me. Ultimately, I have to think both find root in loss aversion, or at least on my end. I didn't emphasize however, the importance that solitude had taken over in my life. I had always been an extrovert, even with a granite streak of independence. That independence, though, warped somehow. At a time when shame essentially dictated my decision-making, I was even ashamed of wanting to be alone. This is what simultaneously having zero boundaries and constrictive fences does to a mind.

I used this photo of kayaking while on a weekend before SERE training for a couple reasons. First, it's obviously an allusion to the river of lies with rapids ahead. It's also tied in symbolically and literally to the previous episode's reference to SERE being my venture into David's wilderness: wandering, surviving, evading, resisting, and escaping.

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Last Game

The last game of the Little League season was an exhibition game for giggles just ahead of end-of-season awards. The other team was short on players for whatever reason. So... I got to play in my last Little League game ever. Additionally, since it was an exhibition, I was also calling balls and strikes - as the full-time catcher. For all the pain and suffering of this period of time, for all the lies I told myself and projected to the world, one thing here is true and pure: That smile. They're all adults now, off to college and embarking on their own respective journeys, but they will forever be frozen in my mind as "my kids." If I could relive this night on demand, I'd never get anything done.

I'd just play ball with them until someone turned the lights off. It was a Field of Dreams when dreams were hard to come by.

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Even had baseball on my bar shirt for graduation. That would soon be the shirt I would wear to a fated auction house in Oklahoma. I graduated, but only because I didn't fail. I raised my hand and voted "present" for the duration of the course. Some things you can't have back.


Grown-up Orphans

It's not good. I never really thought it was. But it didn't need to be good. It needed to be real. It was. How's that for synchronicity? Enter: Honor


Insightful side stories, mindless meanderings, dog pics, and a one-stop shop on how to dad while knowing nothing.

Occasionally I say things. @ me, and I'm 47% more likely to say things.

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I too, like 4 billion others, am quick to sign over my privacy to conflicted, untrustworthy mega-institutions capable of mass manipulation.